The Greatest Missed Autobography Titles

March 24, 2009

So there I was doing what I like best… nothing.. and I suddenly thought:-

What about all these famous people? Do they ever regret missing out on the perfect title for their autobiography?

With me? Let’s see there is:-

1. “Along Came a Spader” – would have been perfect for James Spader of “Boston Legal” fame!

2. “To Kill a Mocking Bird” – wouldn’t that have been just right for Anne Robinson – spectre, past journalist and half-wit of TV’s “The Weakest Link”?

3. “Who Ate My Cheese? – smashing title for Gillian McKeith’s musings on food and bowel contents?

4. “Liar, Liar” – might just have suited ex Prime Minister Anthony Charles Lynton Blair.

5 “Neither a Borrower nor a Lender Be” – might well fit the up-coming incoherent ramblings of one Gordon Browne.

Now I’ve only just started this and I’m certain my readers can think of some even more suiting titles!

So.. feel free to give rein to your talent!

🙂


And…. it came to pass in the year 2007

January 4, 2009

So someone sent me this…and it made me smile!
___
And…. it came to pass in the year 2007, that verily, the Lord came unto Noah, (who was now living in Ballymoney), and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see all manner of evils, terrorists in government and the end of all flesh before me. Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good Free Presbyterians.”

And he said...

And he said...

And lo, He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard –
but no Ark. “Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the
Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.

“I needed Building Control approval and I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

“My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Planning Appeals Commission for a decision.

“Once Seymour Sweeney saw what I was up to, he submitted alternative plans with the backing of the local MP, and you have no idea how hard it was convincing a Paisley that you were actually on my side.

“Then the Department of the Environment demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

“Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go! And in July I had to pay off racketeers as insurance against the local kids taking the wood for the Eleventh Night bonfire.

“When I started gathering the animals, the USPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. They said if he spotted me with any pit bulls, I would never see the Ark float.

“Nor was I aware that marching the animals on to the Ark two by two constituted a parade, so I had to apply to the Parades Commission for permission. They just couldn’t get their heads round the fact that the end of the world is nigh, and that telling people it was could maybe even have a positive effect on community relations.

“Then the Borough Council, the DoE and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact stud on your proposed flood.

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter’s I’m supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

“Then Harland & Wolff stepped in, and said the project hadn’t been subject to normal tendering practices, as they hadn’t been allowed to present a business plan, so the whole thing went to judicial review. It didn’t help that the judge’s grandfather had worked on the Titanic and thought I was taking the piss.

“To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. After several neighbours accused me of being ‘on drugs’, the Assets Recovery Agency took some persuading that I had managed to put this project together without any visible means of income after I said I was relying on divine intervention.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy Northern Ireland?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The Assembly beat me to it.”


Washington Post Mensa Invitational

December 18, 2008

And so we have the latest version of the Washington Post Mensa Invitational. I think these are pretty funny and, as last year, issue the challenge for Northern Ireland to better them!!!

Balloons!

The Balloons are up! 🙂

The rules are simple:
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

And the Washington Post winners were these:-
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious           bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

And when you’ve finished with that little lot why not try this effort where readers were asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The Washington Post published the winning submissions to this year’s contest:-

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Don’t be shy… give it a Northern Ireland go.


A Word Challenge!

January 7, 2008

The Washington Post -venerable organ of American literary might that it is – sometime deviates from coverage of politics and dumping on incumbent presidents to organise some light hearted relief for its overly college educated readers. One such competition has come to be known as the “Mensa Invitational”. The rules are pretty simple and you’ll enjoy reading the competition entries.

Basically readers are asked Read the rest of this entry »


Larry’s letter to the editor.

January 2, 2008

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. larry.gifWhen you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Larry. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Pam.

When I took early retirement a few years ago, it became necessary for Pam to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally Read the rest of this entry »